It's a Horrible Life
by familyguyfan
Summary: Bad egg, Homer Simpson is about to throw away his perfect gift but and angel stops him and shows Homer what it would be like if he wasn't born. Rated T for swearing
1. Homer's Childhood

It was Christmas Eve and over the scenery of snow falling over in Toon Town, children were preying. The sound of Millhouse said, "I owe everything to Homer Simpson, though he slams the door on me whenever I come over while my parents are in parenting class. Please help him." Rod and Todd's voices said, "Joseph, Jesus and Mary. Help our friend Mr. Simpson." Homer's mom's voice said, "Help my son Homer tonight."

Up in the sky, all the stars came together and Krusty said, "Whoa boy! Homer's got himself in a pickle!"

Duff Man said, "Oh yeah! We should send an angel down there and have her help Homer out! With Duff Beer! Oh yeah! When in doubt, drink Duff!"

"You're right Duff Man! We should send someone down there! Whose turn is it?" Krusty asked.

"That's why I came to you sir. It's the clock makers turn!! Oh yeah! He loves Duff beer." Duff Man said.

"You don't mean?" Krusty said with a sense of nervousness in his voice.

"That's right! Peter Griffin! Come on down!" Duff Man said.

"But he has an I.Q of a rabbit!" Krusty yelled in rage.

"True. But he has faith of a child." Duff Man said.

Peter came over to them and said, "You wanted me?"

"Peter! A brave soul down there needs some help and I thought it would be good if you came down there and helped him." Krusty said.

"Splendid! Is he sick?" Peter asked.

"No. It's worse. At exactly 10:45, he's going to throw away God's greatest gift. His family." Krusty said.

Peter scoffed and said, "How do I do that? All I'm wearing is underwear. What am I going to wear?"

"You'll spend and hour with Homer getting to know him." Krusty said seriously.

"If I succeed, will I get my wings? I've been waiting for 200 years and the chicks still don't dig me!" Peter asked.

"What's that book you have there?" Krusty asked.

"Girls Gone Wild: The Novel" Peter said.

"If you do well with Homer, you'll get your wings." Krusty said.

"Oh sir, thank you! Thank you so much!" Peter said.

"Sit down." Duff Man said.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Peter said confused.

"Well if you're going to help him, you have to know him first don't you?" Duff Man said.

"Of course." Peter said.

"Well pay attention. See that town down there?" Duff Man asked.

"I don't see a thing." Peter said.

"Oh that's right. You haven't got your wings yet. Pay attention and you'll see something." Duff Man said.

They looked down below and saw Homer's child hood. It showed kids sliding down a hill onto the Ice Rink where the hockey players would play. "Yay!" kid Moe said as he slid down the hill onto the ice rink. All of the kids were cheering for one another and Peter asked, "Who's that?"

"That's your problem. Homer Simpson is his name. Now pay attention. You'll see this later on." Krusty said.

Kid Homer was at the bottom of the hill and he shouted, "And here's by ugly babysitter, Patty!"

Kid Patty was at the top of the hill, smoking a cigar and threw some of the cigar on the ground and slid down while coughing. "Why did I start smoking at 12? I should've waited until I was 21!"

When kid Patty got to the ice rink, she slipped through the ice and Homer rushed over and pulled Patty out. "And that's when Homer saved his baby sitters life. But ever since that day he got a sore ass ever since and it hurts when people touch it." Krusty said.

Then time shifted to a few weeks after Homer saved Patty's life. Homer walked into the store and put on his apron. "Who's there? Please don't rob me!" Abe said as walked out of his office.

"Who's that?" Peter asked.

"That's Abe Simpson, the second richest person in Toon Town." Krusty said.

Kid Homer said, "I wish I had a million dollars." He clicked the lighter and a flame sprung up and he said, "Woo!"

Homer walked over to the bar stool where Marge sat and Abe said, "You're late!"

"I'm sorry dad. I was outside with Barney and Lenny. We were playing marbles and…" Homer said.

"Enough!" Abe interrupted.

Kid Selma walked in and said, "Hello Marge."

"Hi Patty." Kid Marge said.

"You want a root beer float?" Kid Homer asked them.

"Yes please." Marge said.

"No thank you." Kid Selma said as she put out her cigar.

"I like him." Kid Marge said.

"You like every boy." Kid Selma said.

"What's wrong with that?" Kid Marge asked.

"Well if you like every boy, you're going to wind up with an alcoholic husband and be screwed for life." Kid Selma said.

Kid Selma started coughing and ran out of the store coughing more and more. Kid Marge faced Kid Homer and said as she pointed at Homers butt, "Is that the one part where you can't feel anything?"

"Yes. Whenever I go to the bathroom it's like a race out of my butt and everybody won!" Kid Homer said with a smile.

Kid Marge giggled and said, "Homer Simpson, I'll love you until the day I die."

"Homer!" Abe shouted.

"Yes dad?" Kid Homer asked.

"I need you to run across the street and get my vitamins." Abe said.

"Yes sir." Kid Homer said and ran out of the store and tried to avoid getting hit by any horse carriages. Once Kid Homer got into the drug store, he looked at a slip of paper that said, "Viagra" on it. Homer looked everywhere and asked Bender, "Excuse me, do you have any Viagra. I need it for my dad."

"I don't know if we have any. But let me check the back room." Bender said as he stepped away from his work station. Homer watched Bender walk into the back room and moments later, Bender walked out from the back room with a can of pills.

"What is it?" Kid Homer asked.

"Viagra." Bender said. "Isn't that what you wanted?"

"Yes sir. Thank you." Kid Homer said as he rushed out of the store.

Kid Homer skidded into the store and rushed to Abe and said, "Here you go dad."

"What is this?" Abe asked as he took the pills.

"Your medicine." Kid Homer said.

Abe took 3 pills and said, "What are you trying to do? Leave! Now!"

Kid Homer struggled and Abe kicked kid Homers butt and Homer yelled, "Stop it! That's my sore butt!"

A time switch happened and it paused at young Homer in his 20's. He wore a fancy suit and Peter asked, "Why did you stop?"

"I want you to take a good look at that face." Krusty said.

"Is it Homer?" Peter asked.

"Yes it is." Krusty said.

The time frame continued and young Homer said, "Well boy's, we're going to make big money! We're going to make lots of cash at my brewery!"

"Your brewery?" Young Moe asked. "I think you mean my brewery."

"Why can't we all share?" Young Lenny said.

"Lenny has a point. We should all share the profit of the brewery equally." Young Carl said. "We can call it, 'T.G.I Fridays'"

Young Homer looked over at Moe and said, "I'm thinking Moe's Tavern."

Young Moe nodded and said, "We shall call it, Moe's Tavern."

Later that night there was a bunch of noise. "Keep that racket down!" Bloo shouted.

"Oh leave them alone." Abe said.

Bloo sighed and ran up the stairs and smacked young Homer and said, "Dinner time!"

"Damn it!" Young Homer said as he grumbled down the stairs.

Everyone was gathered at the table and Homer took some turkey and said, "You know dad, Lenny, Carl, Moe, and I are going to have our own bar one day."

"Your own bar? How are you going to do that?" Abe asked.

"You'll see! We'll have a dozen of customers coming every day to get drunk." Homer said. "And I'll finally ask Marge to marry me."

"Marry you? But what if you're not her type?" Abe asked.

"Don't worry dad, nothing will go wrong. Speaking of which I need to borrow some mugs." Homer said.

"Not my good ones." Abe said.

"Don't worry it's just for the brewery!" Homer said as he grabbed some mugs from the kitchen.

At Moe's Tavern, almost everyone in town was there. Calvin and his band were playing, "Shout" and Hobbes was doing back up singing. The place was packed. Dexter was in charge of lighting and Moe was in his outfit behind the bar. Homer walked up to Moe and said, "This place is packed! I've never seen a lot of people in one place." Homer said.

"The best part about this job is the free peanuts." Lenny said as he took a peanut.

"Put that down." Moe said. "The free snacks are for the customers."


	2. The Angel that Came Down from the Sky

Old Mr. Burns and Old Smithers were at the basement of the bar and Mr. Burns said, "This is it Smithers. It's time to release the trap. Once we pull this lever, the floor in this ground will break apart and we'll make our Power Plant here! Pull the switch!" Old Smithers nodded and pulled the switched. Meanwhile in the bar, the floor started to break apart. Old Homer and Marge were dancing and didn't notice the floor spreading apart. "Look out!" Calvin yelled as he jumped off his chair from his bands drum set. Old Homer fell in the water and Calvin said to Hobbes, Jason, and Marcus, "Well, I guess this will be the last time we'll be playing together." They pulled out their violins and played the sinking song from "Titanic".

"Help me! Someone please!" Old Homer yelled as he tried to stay above water.

Old Marge jumped in and saved Homer. Everyone cheered and Lazlo fell into the water and everyone else jumped in. "Marge, will you marry me?" Old Homer asked.

"Of course Homer." Old Marge said.

Old Homer and Marge left Moe's Tavern and starting singing, "Your Song". Old Homer laughed and said, "What can I do Marge? I'll do anything! I'll get you the moon! I'll call NASA and ask them to move the moon closer."

Old Marge chuckled and said, "Homer Simpson, I love you for who you are. You don't need to do anything like that."

They kissed romantically under the moonlit sky. Peter sparkled and said, "So did they get married?"

"Yes. And the wedding went so well, Homer ate 30 whole packages of sausage." Krusty said.

Peter gasped and said, "So what happened?"

"I'll show you." Krusty said.

Homer was 24 so I guess you can say that he'll just be called Homer now. Homer was at the power plant sleeping behind his desk. Lenny knocked on the door and said, "Hey Homer, Moe got his new bar up and running."

Homer woke up and looked around and said, "Moe has a new bar?"

Lenny nodded and said, "Yeah but you better go quick. The lines stretching all across town."

Homer jumped out of his chair and sprinted out of his office and saw a huge line of people in front of him. Lenny tapped Homer on his shoulder and said, "You actually cut in front of me but it's okay because you're my friend." Mr. Burns walked by and said, "Simpson, get back to your station or else you're fired." Homer grumbled and walked to his station.

A few hours later, Homer was drunk at Moe's and he said, "Oh you know how life is Moe, people start picking on you over and over again! I remember when I first met Marge. She was a doll. But something tells me that she's going to screw up my life when we're married."

Moe nodded and said, "Yeah. Love is complicated some times."

Homer gazed at Moe and said as he slurred his words, "You shut up. You don't know anything."

Back in the present, Homer was passed out on the front of his lawn. Lisa and Bart grabbed Homer by his hands and moved him into the house. Marge grinned her teeth and said, "Homer Simpson, this is the 4th time this week Bart and Lisa had to drag you in here. Now you tell me which is more important, your family or drinking with your friends?"

"But we have a bar! I just go there to be the beer taster to make sure it isn't poison." Homer said.

"Homer, if you keep drinking that beer at Moe's, you're going to find yourself without your kids and wife." Marge said as she walked away. Bart laughed and said, "You're so screwed dad."

"Why you little…" Homer said and strangled Bart. Bart slapped Homer and walked upstairs. Peter tapped Homer and Homer turned around. Peter was dressed in a big white gown and had white underwear underneath the gown. Peter smiled and said, "Sorry I didn't have time to get dressed. I mean Lois usually dresses me before I go anywhere." Peter's book was hanging on a hook and Homer drooled and Peter said, "Oh this book is just a novel about these crazy teenagers who get high at a gas station and well things begin to go wild."

Homer tried to grab the book and Peter hit Homer on the head with it and Homer asked, "Where are you from?"

"Heaven." Peter said.

Homer laughed and said, "Oh sure, and I'm from Lollipop Land!"


	3. An Angel Gets it's Wing's

The snow fell from the sky and a bright light appeared in front of Homer. Homer and Peter stepped into the light and Homer asked, "Where are we?" Peter smiled and said, "I'm glad you asked. This is what your life would be like if you weren't born." Toon Town looked wonderful! Homer didn't notice what was so different about it and he said to Peter, "It looks the same to me."

Peter pulled Homer to his house and said, "Notice anything different?"

Homer looked in the window of his house and saw Marge and Marty Ziff together with Bart and Lisa. "Marty this is wonderful! You're boss was so nice to give you a raise due to the stock market. It went through the roofs. Now we're the 2nd richest people in this town!"

"And I did it all for you." Marty Ziff said as he leaned in to kiss Marge.

Marge chuckled and said to Marty, "And you're not an alcoholic. I despise alcoholics."

Homer cried as he saw Marge and Marty snuggle under the sheets on the couch. "No wonder Marge doesn't love me. She despises people like me. Peter, can you help me change my ways?"

Peter smiled and said, "Yes. Finally you understand what's going on in your life."

"How do I change my ways?" Homer asked.

"Believe in yourself. I believe in you Homer. Now let's see what Moe's doing without you being born." Peter said.

At Moe's Tavern, Homer and Peter walked in and saw Moe serving beers to Lenny, Carl, Barney, Calvin, and Hobbes. "You sure you're allowed to drink?" Moe asked Calvin.

Calvin looked up at Moe with his bed headed hair and said, "I'm having a hangover. Mom and Dad are out on business trips for their jobs! Hobbes called me a racist. What the hell does that mean/ For God's sake this is Toon Town! Why the hell should we give a damn?"

Hobbes took a shot of whiskey and said, "Shut up Calvin. Ever since Bill Watterson left us, we've been in this cruddy town! So put a lid on it and stop complaining."

"You want to hustle?" Calvin asked drunk.

Chief Wiggum walked in and said, "Hey you two! Get out of here. This is a bar for adults only!"

Calvin's face turned green and he threw up on Chief Wiggum and said, "Put it on my tab." And he left with Hobbes.

Lenny and Carl glazed at each other and Carl asked, "Is it just me or did I see a minor drinking?"

Lenny took a sip of beer and said, "I don't understand things any more."

Homer looked over at Peter and said, "I can't take any of this much longer. I want to go home!"

A flash of light appeared and Homer and Peter appeared in the present day. Homer looked through the window of his family's home and rushed through the door with excitement in his eyes and said, "Thank God! My loving family! I love all of you guys. Marge, from here on I will not be an alcoholic."

There was a strain of nervousness in Marge's voice as she said, "But Homer, I love you. I don't care if you're an alcoholic or not. I married you because you make me laugh. That's all that matters."

"And if you didn't strangle me, I'd be out of college by now!" Bart said.

"Why you little!" Homer yelled and strangled Bart.

Peter got his wings and disappeared and Lisa said, "Every time dad strangles Bart, an angel gets its wings."

Merry Christmas to all and have a Happy New Year.


End file.
